Best Movies of All Time + [Steve Howey]

STAN HELSING

STAN HELSING
R

Stan Helsing is a 2009 parody film directed by Bo Zenga that brings a slew of the most famous horror villains to their knees in comic fashion. Stan Helsing (Steve Howey), a lowly video rental clerk, is ordered to deliver some movies to his manager's grandmother on Halloween night. Having to ask his friends to make a quick stop at the Stormy Night Estates on their way to their Halloween party, Stan attempts to make his delivery. Along the way, they begin to encounter a number of strange and menacing characters, including an escaped sociopath and perverted gas station owners. And that's all before they even make it to the gated community to make the delivery. Once there, they begin to meet analogues for horror villains like Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees, Leatherface, Chucky and Michael Myers. With the help of an altar boy who will soon become a priest, Stan learns to stand up with his past ancestry in the Van Helsing family and works towards ridding the gated community of these monsters once and for all.

Honestly, if you're watching a movie called Stan Helsing, you can't really be expecting comic genius. I've seen it sitting on Borders shelves for the past year or so, and it's always grabbed my interest. I finally had the opportunity to give it a watch. It's definitely in the same vein of films like Date Movie, Disaster Movie and the later installments of the Scary Movie franchise (meaning that it's not really all that good). However, the movie does have an okay story behind it, which is more than one could say for some of the previously mentioned flicks. Still, it's entirely predictable and ridiculously stupid in terms of its humor, so just know that going in.

Our leads aren't terrible, but the supporting cast is pretty damn bad, save a couple of people. Steve Howey as our titular lead does enough to keep us interested. I couldn't tell you why I wanted to care about his character, but Howey did something to keep me that involved. The other members of his group also do enough to keep me watching. Kenan Thompson plays Stan's best friend Teddy, and he's good for a few laughs. The two girls - Diora Baird and Desi Lydic - are nice eye candy and deliver a couple of good lines, but aside from that, they might be a little bit expendable. We even have an appearance from the late Leslie Nielsen as a small-town bar waitress, but even he can't save this movie from falling into oblivion.

The monster villains are interesting to see, but they're much too over-parodied, if that makes sense. For instance, Michael Myers (of Halloween fame) becomes Michael Criers, a Jewish version of the masked killer. Freddy Kruger (from the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise) turns into Fweddy who's a mix between the killer and Flava Flav. Seriously. Pinhead (from Hellraiser) becomes Needlehead, with a number of syringes and toothpick flags sticking from his cranium. So it's just a little too ridiculous.

Honestly, this movie actually has a decent premise, and given the right materials and the right direction (and a much better script that leaves out the teenager-engaging fart jokes), it could actually be a decent flick. They'd have to get rid of some of the monsters (they just have way too many in this one), but there's potential behind it all. Nobody's going to take a stab at it now, though. That's just too bad.

Movie Review Summary:Grade: F
Current All-Time Rank: Worst - #89
1.5 Thumbs Down