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ANACONDA

ANACONDA1997-13

You can watch the trailer here

It's amazing how many big-name celebrities can fit into a pile of (insert necessary term here).

Usually when a movie is this bad, I like to start with the things that went wrong and end with the things that went right, so as to salvage some of the movie's respect. Unfortunately for Anaconda, there didn't seem to be much positive anywhere I looked. For starters, we've got a screenplay that's essentially Jaws in the Amazon. The only difference is that Jaws was actually compelling, with interesting characters and a real sense of thrill. Anaconda was just flat. Bad job, director Luis Llosa.

Oh, and the acting was impeccable! (Read: sarcasm). We're given a string of some big-named individuals: Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight, Owen Wilson, Jonathan Hyde, and even a cameo from a young Danny Trejo. It's not that the acting was horrendous; most of the actors were just playing their normal character, so it wasn't much of a stretch for any of them. However, Voight, our villain aside from the giant friggin' snake swimming around, was absolutely horrendous. He had an accent that I couldn't even come close to placing, and his timing of speech made it sound like he had to call for his line every five seconds. I couldn't help but laugh every time he said a word because it was just too ridiculous.

To top it all off, we have to look at the titular creature itself. The anaconda doesn't even remotely resemble anything actually living. At least, when it wasn't in CGI. The computer-generation was actually pretty good, especially when it showed the snakes in full rather than just the head. They got the movement down just right, I think. However, the puppet-type anacondas that interact directly with the people on-screen looked so fake that I just couldn't take them seriously.

Overall, this movie is a complete train wreck. There's nothing truly redeeming about it. It's boring, and at best, you're going to laugh where they wanted you to be scared. You'll get more of a thrill searching real anaconda videos on YouTube.

Movie Review Summary:
Grade: F
Current All-Time Rank: Worst - #77
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